A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

I remember the first trace… I trusted them but they tried to kill me while showing me somethings are only by their grace. I fell asleep and I woke up and entire loose leaf pack was written. And a bunch of other things I was writing too! I hid all the binders like it was a million dollars itself and then a few weeks later I threw them away. As I proceeded writing sometimes with an ingenious perfect word I would get upset when I’d lose them to now like fuck it writing my gift I’ll just write more. When you’re on the fake shit you are by their grace and I don’t know how I feel about that yet.

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I refuse to but when I want to they ignore me… in sign language class once I had to grab my pen with both hands

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It feels like they’re trying to take me to places I don’t want to be or feel like. And I refuse but they won’t stop…

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“Where the Judaist break challah” … come on… When I looked up the word I was like damnnnnn PERFECT

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And it happened with gilding too (meaning gold plated)

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That’s a lunatic… they have so much to say

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I’ll be honest to be broken down to a core so young while publicly being open cause I can’t help it (not that I wanna speak or ramble) just so I can get it out… or to really find my Allie’s cause I’ll be honest there is no compromise with all this like this

[A Disciple]

I don’t know if I should trust the psychics either now sometimes… cause of the under the bridge shit and the 3 bangs and mental and all and like… then I think it brought me to who a sec?

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The exhale switch anywhere so I’m sure I have like 5-10 soulmates

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My reaper tatttoo? Fred pulled me down and one of the shooters getting shot at ran right behind me. Flowers? For him skipping me like the day my head burned off

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I was just there in a x literally it felt like just not even in there… that’s why it makes me feel better to see pacs stare in that pic - cause I know he didn’t feel shit and wasn’t there either. In my opinion… deep down I know he still alive whether he got a body or not

[A Disciple]

Why write it… I already did write it and I’m a post it

[A Disciple]

Why write it… I already did write it and I’m a post it

Nah like I can’t tolerate abuse on ANY level. I can’t be with ANYBODY who is capable of hurting or touching me or abusing me and disrespecting me too

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They act like I don’t have a choice…

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My moms 3 floors down and I just heard her sneeze so like everybody my mom worked her ass off but she don’t have it like that… I don’t think I’ve wore a t that cost more than $5 in 3 weeks… i just HATE not being able to support myself or not have my own money

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I feel like EVERYTHING been put on my mom… and I am adopted THATS EVEN WORSE!!! I didn’t do that… it was some dumb asshole lying to the police like it was a joke that put me back in mental when I WAS FINE

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If I am adopted*

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Done… so done right now. I don’t know what I want to do for the next 6hrs

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

Changes (draft)

I feel a fire that my soul can’t hide
Laced with rules to obey and abide
What you know about working your way up from restricted to five
we all seen cells but we gonna survive
He looked at me and said I didn’t think I could make it
You do the crime you do the time and at minimum you were man enough at 18 to face it
Now let’s erase it…
We all out of world
If you about that life you never been in it
Too ignorant to feel the hardships that come with it
A soul is inherent and makes you who you are
My first major poli sci- civil and social justice
I guess an apple from a tree doesn’t fall that far

And in other types of misery I know you just wanna bust it
Now a days we fight and protest for justice
But too many days we still can’t trust this
A brother I never knew like the one too close to 2
That’s just a give and take
Smile and wave
But I got tired of feeling so fake

Another 5 you load in this round
But your piece you let - bet it won’t get
Cause it has yet to been found
Believe me it will
What sucks is they don’t really even need it
That’s tv… not how real justice is treated
But it’s supposed to be
The real shit that mattered we ain’t get to see

Don’t let them bitch you down
Hit you or swipe your crown
Don’t let them swing you around
Apologize then act like y’all is just sound
Don’t let them take your peace
Or force you to face demons better of deceased
You want one that will raise you up
Understand the woman and the one who gave you up
Cause that’s what’s up
Some punk got rough but I can’t hit cause it’s way back
Tell me that every time I still feel attacked cause getting beat that night fucked up my back
And I know most don’t understand how you really can’t leave
Until you find your strength and understand it’s not your fault like they make you believe
And I have a hug for almost any woman to get caught in that trap
While everyone say it’s your own fault for staying and know nothing about that
If o had a secret I would just hang with 2… like after myrtle beach… Pop, pop, pop (I thank you too)

[A Disciple]

Reminds me the time we were waiting to meet somebody outside and my boy was being nice and said pick which one you want and they took off!!!! … I almost fell to the concrete I was laughing so hard!

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Shaking my head a lot and some of them I like but the ones that make me feel or remind me of the ones who hurt and abused me? No way… I don’t deserve that so team up right

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You know the one flow I attempted to write to and couldn’t? TI ACT 1 and ACT 11 (I can try again though)

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Like they all used to tell me… working… just working…

[A Disciple]

My boy was just talking about self preservation and I didn’t know what it really means so I looked it up.

the protection of oneself from harm or death, especially regarded as a basic instinct in human beings and animals.

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Oh snap… Black Moon what song they did cause I remember loving it too

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So you guys talk to each in your heads but silienc? And you can hear each other and stuff?

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And then you guys double spirit and act like our bodies belong to them not us?

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And then they tap me they splash water… is that the same camp or different?

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The water is usually relieving but like they seperate and swirl but I’m not comfortable with that. My sisters sperm donor always said I stand alone… and that’s the stupidest mother fucker I ever met!!!!

[A Disciple]

It’s the acting shit that’s getting me and the feeling like them and not me and it’s more than uncomfortable… it’s really fucking gross

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Sex therapy and now I’m getting really mad cause like that to this to hear - you telling me it’s all fake now?

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LoL…

[A Disciple]

To be honest me and white men don’t usually sss eye to eye… I don’t like how the ones I dated treated me. IE the cop - I’m not a racist I wanna say I tried and yeah I just went with the ones that wifed me and made me my best too

[A Disciple]

To be honest me and white men don’t usually see eye to eye… I don’t like how the ones I dated treated me. IE the cop - I’m not a racist I wanna say I tried and yeah I just went with the ones that wifed me and made me my best too. So they can say what ever about black men… all I ever felt was love from most mostly…

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And as in any race… I’ve seen the most viscous mother fuckers too… and I can slice him down to himself - but I won’t… I don’t even care that much too. Someone please get him off of me…

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I’m a little scared to see her </3 … like… I think someone pumping her… maybe I try to go tomorrow

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If it came down to it…. It’s fuck me for sure too but we have a circle that would check all that. I do love my originals and that’s not the problem. I’m just trying to find me again with all the betrayal and

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Yeah… ok… and it got fucked everytime… why you trying to patent a step that was a nightmare for me?

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There really is a god on my body that swear he my god… how much more do I have to tell him NO YOUTE NOT

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Why are they trying to force me to listen to people I don’t even respect?

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And my body? Who the FUCK on this earth think I’m a change for him and what he like? I’m not married and I don’t appreciate being played with like some play dough either

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The fake smells or atmosphere hallucinations too… it’s all just fake and artificial to me and I can’t stand it. But it was a zone I was in too…

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Like I said… we really can both go… I have ZERO problems with that too…

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So how do we do this?

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Cause every day for almost a decade now I’ve begged them to stop and leave me alone

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Nah it’s not fair… I feel like some boxer in the ring shaking my head yes or no in the corner like some pep talk… NIGHTMARE ALL OF IT!!!! I’m just trying to get to my family, my peoples, my comfort that I deserve

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Just cause you can doesn’t make it right… and I’m not living like abused pawn rag doll… you got the wrong camp… I’m actually on their side sir

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NOT YOURS

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Yeah hallellulah bitch… maybe I see you at your drop down. I’d pull the trigger on you in 2 seconds too!!!!

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I must not love that hard…

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It’s the way you were raised I’m sure…

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But I wasn’t put on this earth to suffer for you or family either

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Fuck what they told you…

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If I ever helped your ass you’d be dust in 2 seconds… we are not alike and I treated you like my own and like… am I hurt? Nah I’m just really offended by the level of disrespect all around. But mad because you all refuse to leave me alone like I’m your toy or trash bag and even closet..

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You’re not even Catholic… so like I really am confused why them bitches are even still here

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When IS my nightmare over…

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Yo this little young ass bitch really swear she own me too…

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So why if these people did me wrong do I have to face them? I don’t fucking think so…

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Now if you excuse me can I get to my own nephew and help him thru combat too… instead of fighting off your family?

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It can be really cool sometimes to not even know if your dead or alive… it really doesn’t have to be so abusive and disrespectful

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So if I may please secure my own families links that would be great

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And please stalk from a very far distant… cause when I learn how to shoot in the dark… I’m shooting EVERYBODY up off me! You in my head but you confused… sure

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It’s actually military issued but I don’t know if I want him to go there… I don’t know him in and out like that anymore

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I know he heard I know he’s going to know but I wanna know how he knew that too and like if you all are going back and forth to tell each other I ain’t shit and this is why just stop… you both know I don’t deserve that either

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My wish family to family… like who ever the one need to know that that right there like my baby daddy and since I don’t have one I really demand it… he’s for life but if I ever got married and promised god I wouldn’t cheat either

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I’ll break it down easy… I’m not 17 anymore and I’m not sitting at home for another woman’s man no matter what the vibe

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It’s all fucked up now I know…

[A Disciple]

Yeah… I’m coming back around and my mom even cool with the weed… I see right past him which is good but like… trying to figure out the best way to get most paid cause my town got a story!!! It just depends on how many of us wanna tell it with Hollins and all! I always wanted to put a park there though…

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It’s my Friday and it’s a weekend thing again…

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To date…

[A Disciple]

Mars vs Venus (cont)
YouTube Video:
Click here to view on youtube
(Answer back is in the chorus)

Me, I’m a believer, he, he a deceiver
Me, I prefer the smoke,
He, he hardly drink
He like to watch the news, I, I like to sit there and think
Me, I gave him 3 years
Him, he gave me new fears
Interracial, so us, we got a few snears.
He, hes like he don’t cares
Me I giv‘em back two stares


When I’d say Dr Pepper, he’d say no Mr Pibb
He’d use crazy techniques to catch me out in a fib
We both like black, but me, I can do the all white
I’d like to roll over n pass out, but him, he wanna do it all nite
He, he tried to change me
Me, I’m like, I like you for you
I thought he was my band aid,
But he ended up being my bubu


Me, he took Mike real hard, me, I’m like no
He’s getting ready for church. And I’m out playing Tarot.
Me, I stay in a white T, he, really thinks that he can wife me.
I thought we’d make movies
I thought of his and her hum-vs
Us… we can’t even fight
He like to talk it out, Me I rather write. Then I just walk out, & bounce out of sight.

[A Disciple]

Why when I go the writing direction or being part of pacs and bigs story I’m pretty sure… like why when I’m “working” a lot do I feel both sides of my heart cry? And hear someone else, not even them crying?

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It’s like you’re working against what makes me happy again… why?

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Them bitches are professional manipulators and schemers so I can just imagine… but I’m over all that and been over all that and am really effing exhausted and hate to even mention it or them

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Did you see how bad I was bugging in the police car? Cause I wasn’t even friends with her so why was she outside the courthouse to even begin with waking me up again? And why she didn’t wake me up before court? And like they hit me in myrtle beach on purpose I’m sure of it… but WHY?

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I firmly believe they never had any intentions of me surviving that…

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No statutes and if they refuse to leave me alone I’m taking EVERYBODY involved there too…

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It’s better my ig down… they don’t need to see how I’m thinking or moving… I see it’s still serious

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We can pursue it down to the exact night… I didn’t move my car and got a parking ticket I still haven’t paid

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I can pick at least 2 of them out of a line up too

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The blonde one and the one with the dark brown hair…

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Do I even want to? I don’t know… I just can’t stop being “haunted” by them and it all… you know? I do usually prefer to dismiss and move on but it feel like they wanna go to jail and won’t stop

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Damn I missed that Baldwin sign again pac… remind me tomorrow

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Like I’ll be honest even though it sounds pretty stupid but like was I supposed to be with him and that’s why it never worked with anyone else as well as never got to have kids and family? Is that what they’re trying to say?

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I’m confused but he’s my own link… like I wrote him because I thought he only got 5 years and saw he was still in…

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So NOW they just gave me my IG account back… LITERALLY just now

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Sorry I think it’s just my toy phone…

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So I started to spit some rules… I always said if I had to live my life over I’d never make it so far… of course I wouldn’t want anyone to follow… BUT what’s that even mean anywaY?

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I didn’t run away… I was always running back… I’m not gonna be that stupid trusting bitch anymore either

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You stand there!! Smfh … what the FUCK is going on for real?

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Every single fiber of insanity is the worst part but when I can’t control my laugh it scares me the most…

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I DESPISE THAT SHIT

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I just want you to know how much a resent that plight… but for pac… ok it is what it is

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The rape though? Or making me feel and think I was being passed around too though?!?!?

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Fireworks going off like gun shots outside… stuff like that I like and feel better about now and smile <3

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Sometimes I really do prefer the slow mo and stuff cause at least I know at that moment it’s all in gods hand and I can’t make any mistakes…

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The roads cutting off when I’m trying to drive? I hate that ish

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Or when they jumping too fast and you don’t even recognize your own street a second

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I despise passing out too… that’s where I’m strong… I’m so scared of it I get strong

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The hallucinations I hate because I never took a hallucinogenic and resent it… if I wanted to hallucinate I would’ve took those drugs

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And I didn’t so why would I have to?

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My moms said being sanctioned Catholic by ritual doesn’t protect your body and spirit but I disagree… nobody but family should ever had or have the right to pray thru, against, or with me especially in disrespect or say all those things to me etc.and then act like you don’t have religion so it’s ok or just a joke… not to me!!!!

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Things I’m taking up with my god personally at my next interview

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And I know they shot me too… it’s hard for me to let go and trust you all cause look what you did!!!!! I KNOW FOR FACT they tricked you so why you so stupid to think not?

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That blonde hair though…

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Nah when I make decisions like that I always make them worse and not better…. But I still sing “I got them keys to your handcuffs” to make myself feel better sometimes

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I told him where I think he trying to play me… he hasn’t seen it yet and I feel bad BUT it’s kinda where I’m dead serious. If he did the first situation - I’m gone and immediately… the second even too cause I saw them pics she had made for him but I’m not gonna be with anybody that some chick wheel in or cast out anytime she feel like it… and the history too… and it just feel like… just forget it. I’m done talking

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Ironic as fuck I don’t remember who I was in there with or why but he took out the album and showed us. He was prolly proud… idfk idfc but nah I told him that “bish better not even try to come back here” … BUT on the front page of the newspaper was their pic crying when Chris got shot so just bare with me and my emotions and frustrations until I figure out what the FUCK is going on too!

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I’m fine with team mate and I’ll blame them witches throwing everything around confusing people like that too

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I’ll be honest… the sex way too blay though… like wtf?!?!? LMAO

[A Disciple]

Yeah it just clicked… and btw happy birthday pac!

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I asked both of them… one lie no… the other prolly sleeping.

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I’ll never speak to him again…

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Cause I even warned him too…

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That was short lived… and you wonder why I fell out crying when I realized I had to start dating again