Life is pain, motivate.

[JayR_Elite]

Taking advice from some amazing people i went to the drawing bored and devised something. I used a topic new and try to get deep like they said. Obviously I wont be that much better than last but one more time for more critisism that can help me practice over the next couple months.After this you wont hear from me in open mic for some time until i perfect it all but i will start Battle rapping..

Life is pain, motivate.{title}

Sipping promethizen & codine to moderates my Focus
Sitting back unlaxed while I cogitate my motives
Are the decisions I made the right one's I've chosen?
Cause when I beg for answers no words are spoken.
And No light to my situation: it's looking Gloomy still
No spelburg But this life is like a movie reel
No cuts or takes just actors, I dont know who is real!
Or what is real, leaving me in a state of sad depression
Shit you undergo even as an adolesence.
Pain inside you cant hide like a fat erection!
Losing sight of my game plan Like a bad connection.
And Without hope In this world you are a ray charles.
Blind in the hall of success, you'll hit the paved walls
You'll never reach the end, at the main doors.
You'll only listen close, for when the rain falls.
So open up your retina let your eyes see the light
You lost everything? take whats left make it rite
Put up a fight And give yourself another shot at life!.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=405064
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=7311175

[Chris-Poth]

Just to help you out a little bit... Lets say your writing a rhyme and its sounds a little weak, for instance, your fat erection line. If it seems weak to you, its seems super lame to us. Id stray away from those obvious similies

[JayR_Elite]

thanks bro. Idk what made me say that lol But im honestly trying to get better been about a month and some change sodont worry the next open mic i drop next couple months will be better.

[The Messenger]

Sipping promethizen & codine to moderates my Focus
Sitting back unlaxed while I cogitate my motives

so you're saying downers keep your focus level?
what is unlaxed?

Are the decisions I made the right one's I've chosen?
Cause when I beg for answers no words are spoken.

somethings seems off about the first part of the bar
although I understand the question
sometimes all our answers don't come in words
sometimes we have to see the answer.

And No light to my situation: it's looking Gloomy still
No spelburg But this life is like a movie reel

nice couplet alot of life is dictated by hollywood look
at the movies and the actons of people they paralell

No cuts or takes just actors, I dont know who is real!
Or what is real, leaving me in a state of sad depression

i feel you on that except i dont feel depressed i feel illuminated

Shit you undergo even as an adolesence.
Pain inside you cant hide like a fat erection!

i understand the punch i wouldve worded it different but it was still effective

Losing sight of my game plan Like a bad connection.
And Without hope In this world you are a ray charles.

the first line i didnt feel but the second one hit hard with
out faith we are blind

Blind in the hall of success, you'll hit the paved walls
You'll never reach the end, at the main doors.

doors and wals doesn't rhyme fully but i se where you getting at

You'll only listen close, for when the rain falls.
So open up your retina let your eyes see the light

this bar is serious alot of us walk around eyes wide shut

You lost everything? take whats left make it rite
Put up a fight And give yourself another shot at life!.

nice piece bra keep em coming.

[JayR_Elite]

I appreciate this feed back this was honestly what i was looking for I'm gonna keep writing going and hit you up too man thanks.
Great feed I'll look at your open mic's and try to give good feedback and advice awsome
thanks again

[yungskeeme]

Fav lines

And No light to my situation: it's looking Gloomy still
No spelburg But this life is like a movie reel
No cuts or takes just actors, I dont know who is real!

And Without hope In this world you are a ray charles.
Blind in the hall of success, you'll hit the paved walls
You'll never reach the end, at the main doors.
You'll only listen close, for when the rain falls.

Real nice piece man. Nice rhyme scheme. Real basic but it worked. Nice.

[KillahJ]

Yoo try instead of that erection line try something likee
Shit you undergo even as an adolesence.
Kids knock you down creepin into a slow depression
Losing sight of my game plan Like a bad connection.

[JayR_Elite]

Thanks bros

[SHOK-VAL-U]

Sipping promethizen & codine to moderates my Focus
Sitting back unlaxed while I cogitate my motives
yes
Are the decisions I made the right one's I've chosen?
Cause when I beg for answers no words are spoken.
yes
And No light to my situation: it's looking Gloomy still
No spelburg But this life is like a movie reel
yes
No cuts or takes just actors, I dont know who is real!
Or what is real, leaving me in a state of sad depression
Shit you undergo even as an adolesence.
yes
Pain inside you cant hide like a fat erection!
Losing sight of my game plan Like a bad connection.
no
And Without hope In this world you are a ray charles.
Blind in the hall of success, you'll hit the paved walls
yes
You'll never reach the end, at the main doors.
You'll only listen close, for when the rain falls.
yes
So open up your retina let your eyes see the light
You lost everything? take whats left make it rite
Put up a fight And give yourself another shot at life!.
nice ending

decent piece,what i would say is if you rhyme 2 lines 2 lines 3 lines...it spoils the flow a little,and takes a quick second to get back on again,if you get me? you did it twice so it wasnt too bad,you kept me reading anyway dude,not bad at all

7/10..you would be good at topicals i feel