Try the intellectual...

**thisguy** · July 2nd, 2009, 05:45 AM

just another actor in the chain reactor called life/
just another bastard, spewing tainted laughter, all night/
just another plaster cast you blame when you think you're right/
money doesn't buy happiness, and you'll learn it's used for slight/
all those, monkeys you greased as they hip hopped around the cavern/
and saw there own shadows reflected, and refused to act natural/
refused to let them catch you, as you hip hopped around our castle/
with bashful flowers holding hands, as the powers build their statues
your magical wind blowing smog, as the ladders we climbed were deep
as the blank faces we sprawled were steep, they said friends was all you'd need/
i've heard the lies before, seeing spores spread sourly, swords salt sores/
with sordid stories galore, so move near/
speaking spreads fear, mixed soothing sounds to hear, sweetly singing, so move near/

**143** · July 2nd, 2009, 12:07 PM

ok we gonna fix your post.....

1. drop the / (newbie mistake)
2. you had good vocab but intellectually speaking, you weren't talking about anything (no diss). let your verse be about what your topic is. If it's intellectual then drop mad intellectual facts or words so we can be like, ok i see where he's going with this.
3.flow was forced in some places (that will change though when you start writing more)
4. you have some talent there, you need guidence with setting your verse up. read om hall of fame drops to see how everything is suppose to go.

last but not least

POST LINKS ON YOUR THREAD

**thisguy** · July 2nd, 2009, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by 143

ok we gonna fix your post.....

1. drop the / (newbie mistake)
2. you had good vocab but intellectually speaking, you weren't talking about anything (no diss). let your verse be about what your topic is. If it's intellectual then drop mad intellectual facts or words so we can be like, ok i see where he's going with this.
3.flow was forced in some places (that will change though when you start writing more)
4. you have some talent there, you need guidence with setting your verse up. read om hall of fame drops to see how everything is suppose to go.

last but not least

POST LINKS ON YOUR THREAD

I wasn't trying to drop facts, the whole thing is steeped in metaphor. Did you catch the Plato/Socrates reference? Where is this "hall of fame" at?

As for the "/", it was a holdover from my friend's rhyme I was adding to. I don't see how it makes any difference, it's just the visual interpretation of a newline.

**Ink Poyzin** · July 2nd, 2009, 05:00 PM

When you drop the links, I'll edit with feedback.

**Glory And Honor** · July 3rd, 2009, 03:14 AM

I kind of liked this and I kind of didn't. So we'll play pro's and con's.

Pros: Somewhat 'intellectual', multi's, interesting choice of words in some places.
Cons: Sloppy, not about a lot (not that it has to be), and a couple bad rhymes.