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Thread: ancient civilization

  1. #1
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    ancient civilization

    broken glass on the floor and paper that used to resembe a picture
    now nothing but mere ashes ignored and kept quiet like a whisper
    abondoned on a dark road sits this house or what used to be
    a happy place for love and a living family
    but as things get old we forget and don't regret or shrug a shoulder
    and things become more distant as these things get older
    once a fairy tale but now nothing but an extravagent nightmare
    so ancient it would take forever to travel in lightyears
    plants used to grow around land full of rhyme and reason
    but now its so ghostly its nothing but a memory a former garden of eden
    fallen like babylon beaten by its kryptonite,its creator
    built up then demolished a few generations later
    and as years move on and years turn to decades
    people sometimes walk by this place and are nothing but afraid
    knowing not what it used to be all the see is what's in line
    but if they took a look at the big picture they could see the image behind
    If you arrive here you will see no sign of hope
    because this area is so dead that the ghosts hope to hope
    once a civilization a town full of life and sensory
    but now nothing but forgotteness just a scarce memory
    tell you like doritos thats nacho cheese

  2. #2

    Re: ancient civilization

    I think you should definitely pick up a thesaurus. It can help a verse immensely, i never write without one. It makes you no less of a writer to do so. You overuse conjunctions ("but" and "and") and you start far too many sentences with them.

    knowing not what it used to be all the see is what's in line
    but if they took a look at the big picture they could see the image behind
    could work as simply

    "knowing not what it used to be all they see is what's in line
    if they took a look at the big picture they could see the image behind"

    You also overuse the word "nothing".
    It's difficult for the reader to fully involve her/himself in a piece if you duplicate words in the same sentence or within a couple lines. Or use one word many times in the course of the poem that is not symbolic to the feeling within the piece or some form of play on the word. These are only two examples:

    and as years move on and years turn to decades
    If you arrive here you will see no sign of hope
    because this area is so dead that the ghosts hope to hope
    In these cases a thesaurus can rework something mediocre into something quite good.

    You're use of adjectives in this piece could use some work. You don't always need to describe something. Its like you're leading the reader along to only what you want them to hear.

    now nothing but mere ashes ignored and kept quiet like a whisper
    could read like

    now nothing but ashes ignored, kept quiet like a whisper

    Cheers

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