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Thread: Bath Water

  1. #1
    -First Lady of RB- DaGyrlRemarqabL's Avatar
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    Bath Water

    Standing outside of the door, he leaned in closely, listening to her light wimpers as they softly echoed inside the walls of the bathroom. "What's wrong?" he asked, face pushed up against the wood, listening intently for any response from the other side. "If you don't stop crying, I'm going to come in there. I mean it, you'd better stop..." he warned, her sobs haulting abruptly but only for a moment until they escaped her once more, this time more intense than before. With his eyes directed at the floor, he turned the knob and slowly eased the door open, lifting his eyes cautiously to peer inside. Everything was dark with the exception of a few strategically placed candles, their flickering flames causing shadows to dance on the dim walls. He entered, and she went on crying, seeming not to notice him, as he closed the door behind him and carefully approached the tub where she laid. Keeping his eyes on her, he gently kneeled on the floor beside the tub. "Hey..." he said softly, hoping she wouldn't suddenly be startled by his presence. She opened her eyes and slowly turned her head to look at him. "Have you ever felt like you were dying inside?" she said, her eyes fighting to stay focused until finally they gave in, and she shut them tight, leaning her head back on the tub as the tears fell down the sides of her face. He felt a sharp sensation inside his chest and didn't know what to say. He only watched, following the tear as it streamed down her cheek, then a little down her neck, and his eyes traced over her soft shoulders to where her chest disappeared underneath the water, and a little further down to where the peaks of her knees emerged from the suds. Her skin was moist and shiny, illuminated further by the candlelight, but as beautiful as she looked, he was not aroused, nor was he thinking anything sexual as his eyes grazed her. Instead, his face held a sincere look of concern, confusion, sadness and compassion, as the question she had just asked him replayed in his head and made him aware of her pain. Instead, he looked on at her, almost in the same way as a helpless father would while watching his only child suffer. Her long arm rested on the ledge of the tub, and he noticed a spot near her shoulder where the slick, dark peach coloring of her skin changed to purple and blue. He reached out and took her hand, squeezing it lightly, and she opened her eyes again. She looked at him, her eyes welling with pain and tears and questions that he had no answers to- no one did. She squeezed his hand back, and in a barely audible whisper, as she closed her eyes again, she managed to half cry, "I need someone to hold me." She hadn't expected him to do what he did next, but she didn't fight him, either. Before she knew it, he was standing over her, his socked feet and jeans knee deep in the bath water. He gently submerged himself into the water, slowly saturating the rest of his pants and the light tee-shirt he had on. For a minute he laid over her, and she breathed heavily, her chest rising and falling in short, uninhibited pants, yet never exposing herself from the bubbles, until he situated himself beside her, comfortably and fully clothed. She was half shocked and half in love with the fact that he had, without hesitation, climbed into the tub, so thoughtfully, without presumptuously removing any of his clothes or making her feel uneasy. She shifted her body so that she was laying on her side, and she buried her head into the chest of his wet, warm shirt. He slipped his hand over her slick stomache and held her around her waist, smelling her hair and holding her tightly, washing the warm water over the curves of her body that protruded from the water everytime she shivered a little and moved closer to him. She felt so... good. So safe, and content, and for once, cared for, and her tear drops fell into the soapy water and disappeared. They laid there, him holding her and her being held, until her yearning and passion for him was hotter than the scalding bath water that surrounded them.

    She tilted her face up to his, and he took her in, the flames of the nearby candles reflected and burned somewhere deep inside her dark pupils, streaks of fallen tears left evidence of the pain that plagued her, and as her soft lips parted, she whispered to him, "Do you know how to love someone?..."




    -G.L.P.
    Last edited by DaGyrlRemarqabL; September 11th, 2004 at 04:42 AM
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    RemarqabL

  2. #2
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    of course this is poetry..it's blank verse...maybe free verse....definitely poetry...look where bloom has been posting hsi stories lol...ill edit with a response..im about to go eat bbq
    Bittersweet

  3. #3
    OG Poet, er some shit.
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    Read this on another site you posted it at. Beautiful work m'lady seriously. This story ungulfed me with such description of what was happening. The imagery cascaded throughout the whole piece was marvelous.It seemed that the message was hidden to me. Something along the lines of love, but I didn't quite get to the understanding of the piece my first time through. After re-reading it a couple times i still wasnt sure of a conclusion. The writing style in this story is just awe inspiring. I loved it. Every tiny detail was plannedout and performed perfectly. The plot of the story was different from what i expected, and i enjoyed it very much. Thank you for the read.
    Po'Ethics - Est. 2004




  4. #4
    .Angelic. shawty"B"'s Avatar
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    i like this poem a lot!!!! actaully, i wanna thank you for postin this, cause i write a lot of things in this style and never post em cauyse i didnt klnow if they were acceptable, so thanks for that! but any ways, back to this..... this was aw inspiring. it was filled with such great imagery that was constantly full the whole way though. and the emotion was awsomely contained here, i could feel this one very strongly throughout the entire peice..... you really did a great job here!

    ..........fav part........

    Before she knew it, he was standing over her, his socked feet and jeans knee deep in the bath water. He gently submerged himself into the water, slowly saturating the rest of his pants and the light tee-shirt he had on. For a minute he laid over her, and she breathed heavily, her chest rising and falling in short, uninhibited pants, yet never exposing herself from the bubbles, until he situated himself beside her, comfortably and fully clothed.


    ^^ that to me just seems to show how much he truely loves her.....


    keep droppin


    ....bless

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  5. #5
    -First Lady of RB- DaGyrlRemarqabL's Avatar
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    Thank you so much to those who took the time to reply. I greatly appreciate it...
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    RemarqabL

  6. #6
    Threat Level Midnight Tim's Avatar
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    I really loved this poetic peace alot the imagrey and emotion you put into this was very nice everything flowed so well i felt like it all had a meaning to it read it a couple times also to get the full effect great job

  7. #7
    -First Lady of RB- DaGyrlRemarqabL's Avatar
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    Thank you!
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    RemarqabL

  8. #8
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    nice little story going on there..i said there should be a short story forum when we had an idea thread..but people thought i was stupid..nice to know they have faith..Blooms doing a short stories crew though..are you gonna join? you should! this story was emotional right up until the last line..real nice imagry in there as well...i would say more but i gotta go catch the bus for school...(i know, i'm still 15! damn British schooling systems!) but when i get back online i may edit this furthur...

    until then..
    Def Poets

  9. #9
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Beautiful. I've read hundreds of poems, short stories and open mics on the internet but never liked one this much. The emotion and imagery were perfect. This was an incredible read. 10/10. What more can I say?

    *Nominates it*

    -W1
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  10. #10
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    This was a stellar piece and i couldnt help but mention that you never fail to live up to your moniker. The imagery in this was very good but your acute storytelling ability is what makes people consistently mention you among the site's best writers, male or female. The emotions you touched on are deep and you managed to accurately display them on paper (or monitor or watever lol) which is a feat in itself. Great poem, if i was in the custom of number rating poems i would place this in the high 9 range, enjoyed the whole thing, keep dropping, your unique writing style is appreciated , 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  11. #11
    Holy Weight
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    Wow... Just wow. This is definitely legendary material. Certainly. The imagery was so beautiful and vivid. I'm actually amazed at this. Beautiful job. This is a 10.5/10

  12. #12
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    yay...o my god, this was phenomenal ...i love this, i love it so much it's not even funny....passion, unadulterated emotion, unaltered feelings, so pure, o true to life, so right, and....damn this is so good...i need someone to hold me (preferably DaGyrl...i can get in the tub if you want, clothing optional {jus kidding sweetheart}) anyway...this is brilliance....it's a shrot story but it's almost freeverse...i think it is...you ahd a good amount of internal rhyme in the first half of the story....it could almost be freeverse..but...that matters not, for no matter the genre, the beauty remains...this is literary genius...get ur copyrights on this sweetie...put your name on it, i believe that functions as a basic copyright and gives you copyright protection....you're so good...this was so good...im ugh..blown away

    10/10
    Bittersweet

  13. #13
    -First Lady of RB- DaGyrlRemarqabL's Avatar
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    Wicked~ Thank you so much for the comments, I sincerely appreciate them, and I'd also like to especially thank you for the nomination...!

    NFamous~ Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, Im glad you enjoyed it...

    God~Wow, thanks so much. 10.5/10?...amazing, thank you!

    Sublime- Lmao@the tub reference. Thank you so much for the heartfelt reply...It really, really means a lot to me.
    P U R E


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    RemarqabL

  14. #14
    Speech is my Hammer Hail the Vibe's Avatar
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    Real nice piece. This BELONGS ABOVE Legendary in my opinion. Real nice piece girl. I love it.

    Word @ 10.5/10.

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