Re: Float Like a Butterfly
You're a star for writing this. For the title, and for the tribute.
October, Nineteen sixty. (Cassius Clay) 1st professional fight, beats Tunney Hunsaker
Men and women pack the room and wait You've got the audience down pat. I can almost feel the adrenaline in the room.
And you've not really said much at all. Just a little, but I can feel it.
in anticipation as the caterpillar I love that you've done it like this. So fitting.
crawls to his beginning. You've got his butterfly like footsteps echoing in my mind already. And what a beautiful beginning it was.
Screams echo through the hall,
bouncing from wall to wallNice.
as the metamorphosis begins
And the cocoon takes shape. I feel like biting my fingernails lol and I don't bite my fingernails. Nice pace Ctrl Alt Elite. Nice pace.
It only takes eighteen minutes
for the shell to break away and
reveal the beauty beneath.
A butterfly is born. A legend begins. And whatever blood he had on him, was not his own.
Those two lines ...'A butterfly is born. A legend begins.' belong together don't they? They fit well with the context.
That's a great outro for this stanza.
June, Twenty Sixteen. This flipping of dates is clever. I never thought of doing it like this. But the timeline works well with your wording and imagery. And of course...the facts.
Doctors and nurses pack the room and wait Wow, smart. Very smart. You sent a chill up my spine.
Your second line in the above stanza is '...Men and women pack the room and wait...'. The parallelism of thought is wonderful. You're echoing and connecting the imagery, it does wonders for the mood of the piece.
in desperation as the butterfly
floats toward his ending. Wow. Beautiful. And how faithful is the word 'floats' in this sentence? It's word perfect in this situation. Yet again, connecting description/imagery and making it exist in more than one place.
Cries echo through the world Your fist stanza had '...Screams echo through the hall...' You've just magnified the heart and soul, and tears of that hall and it reached a global scale. It reached the world.
From cities with fountains to hills and mountains Where once we had him bouncing/touching'...from wall to wall....' We've now got the the other end of the spectrum, the hills, mountains, fountain, cities. Every place, touched because of him. No longer just walls but countries, nations, hearts.
As decay begins First stanza again: '...as the metamorphosis begins...' I love this birth/death/birth circle you've got.
I really adore the way you went about it. precise, classy.
and the butterfly fades away.First stanza: And the cocoon takes shape. I find your writing liberating. Refreshing. Freeing.
It only took eighteen hours. First stanza: '...It only takes eighteen minutes...' lol that's brilliant. A respectable entirety of life, put down in few words. I like the symbolism of numbers you have. I like the unbroken train of thought that links in this chain of events.
For the heart to stop beating Your first stanza: '...For the shell to break away and...' It's as if you're saying the same thing.
The strength of passion is evident in both stanzas, on par and mingling, meshing, marrying.
and the wings to stop fluttering. First stanza: '...reveal the beauty beneath...' Both these work together as well. '...and the wings to stop fluttering...' that's well written. The deeper meaning takes me down a somber path but it's full of richness. Oppositional feelings, but the outcome = love.
A butterfly dies. A legend remains. First stanza: A butterfly is born. A legend begins.
Start and finish join, in a full circle that shows how this man lived. That's a good outro. Well written.
Ok, firstly, let me say again I'm sorry this has been left unfed for this long. I typically feed from oldest to newest, that way I end up not missing a piece. I also don't typically read the piece until I feed it, (I might glance at it though). I like bombshell revelations that hit me lol. Disbelief, wonder...know what I mean? -fresh- at that moment in time-.
And this hit me like a ton of bricks. I really didn't expect this. I think I actually expected a piece about a butterfly. I never knew you'd run with his whole life and do it in such a sensitive, sophisticated way. I like the language, simple, clean, uncomplicated. The same is reflected in the structure, again, a carbon copy of your words.
Beginning of life-Top Left, End of life-Bottom Right.
I like the way you worked this. From top to toe. You're doing great things. What a pleasure to have you dropping work here.
I can't say enough about this. Great stuff.
Top Read.
Thank you.
Re: Float Like a Butterfly
I have to admit when I read the first part and finished i laughed. All you literally did was tell me now a young caterpillar was going into a cacoon and turning into a butterfly. But what you didn't say is what makes this so dope. You didn't take the literal approach which I felt many would have instead of dropped subtle clues like the people gathered (press conference I assume) and not so subtle (the title) to convey your message. You never once said his name but as I read this there isn't anyone else I can think of but him. That sort of manipulation is awesome man. Well done the second part was poetic enjoyed it. The simplicity to this was beautiful, you said a lot with out saying a lot which I appreciate. Thought this was really cool man.
Re: Float Like a Butterfly
This is a lovely tribute to the greatest. The parallelism from each stanza 1-3 to 4-6 was nicely executed, and I appreciate that kind of thought. It makes a seemingly simple piece such as this more of a treat to read. When you see it and discover those bits and pieces, it makes you smile. Reminds me of those times I didn't quite understand heavy high literature, and one day things just began to click. Connections from 150 pages in linking back to 40 pages in. It's a nice feeling. They read like two different poems, but merged into one. A beginning, and an ending. Side by side. Caterpillar to butterfly, to the beautiful creature of legend being laid to rest. Sometimes Muhammad Ali seems more than just a man, that's for sure. A legend begins, a legend remains. Love those being the two endings of each outro (1st and 2nd half). Also got a bit of nostalgia from The Sandlot, "Heroes get remembered, but legends never die." Here, it's true. His impact will be lasting in the memories of the people, and will be printed upon pages for a long time. All the historical tie-ins were well-handled as well, not too 'reading a history textbook' if you know what I mean. Good read my man, good read.
