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I have a choice
My situations changin my mind cant stand the heat
I feel my contious burnin from my headache to the shakin of my feet
This will not be my deceast , my death is far from near
In control of the present but confused which way to steer
I fear , which path i take can be my last
when I am old and gray will I reflect on a possitive past
My dreams continue and the screams inside my body pursuit
like if my mind had jumped out a plane without a parachute
My true emotions reamin a fluke they will never begin to comprise
As if my entire life story was filled with bullshit and lies
I feel like demons have taken over my mind body and soul
Prayers proceed but these devlis refuse to let me go
Lifes not short its the longest thing to have
the hardest thing to grasp is ur biggest mistakes in the past
I now stand lonely with many forks in my road
Stand with my shoulders crossed pacing for which way i should go
there is no answer but my mind should already know
My soul stays in touch but my body drifts away
Only till I wake and recieve the gift of day
this is not a passage but a complex take on life
something abused and taken lightly can be taken with a single knife
We cry, no man can live without emotion
One day we crack and end with a flo of emotional explotion
My lifes a gold token I charish it with my heart
there wasnt really a choice I was given it from the start
I now know my meaning but only to watch my life fall apart
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this was cool man, i liked it, its not SUPER hot.. but it has a nice little twist to it, keeped me woundering what the next line was going to be, so thats good, definitly not boaring... flow was a bit choppy and i didnt really like the end.. but the start and the middle was good.. your use of vocab could of been better, but there was really nothing wrong with it, the concept you used was cool, and you stayed on the topic..
overall i cant say i didnt like it..
8/10
-diz
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thnx , homie , i havnt done a OM in a while so im glad u liked it , mos def not my best work but im tryin to get bak at writin OM pieces so i can get in the HOF and ish , tryin to get good feed thru this so i can elevate and ish
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uppin on this....................................
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this site is way inactive
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My situations changin my mind cant stand the heat
I feel my contious burnin from my headache to the shakin of my feet
wtf is that? did you mean your 'concious'? hard for kids to give feedback if they don't understand what you write.. check your spelling
This will not be my deceast , my death is far from near
In control of the present but confused which way to steer
improper grammer. perhaps you could have said, 'I will not decease' though I'm not entirely sure that is correct either.. what you meant was 'this will not be my demise' but it doesn't multi so you winged it and the result was bad grammer
I fear , which path i take can be my last
when I am old and gray will I reflect on a possitive past
one 's' homie, one 's'... check spelling
My dreams continue and the screams inside my body pursuit
like if my mind had jumped out a plane without a parachute
should have been 'as if', but I like this couplet here
My true emotions reamin a fluke they will never begin to comprise
As if my entire life story was filled with bullshit and lies
I feel like demons have taken over my mind body and soul
Prayers proceed but these devlis refuse to let me go
Lifes not short its the longest thing to have
the hardest thing to grasp is ur biggest mistakes in the past
I now stand lonely with many forks in my road
Stand with my shoulders crossed pacing for which way i should go
there is no answer but my mind should already know
My soul stays in touch but my body drifts away
Only till I wake and recieve the gift of day
this is not a passage but a complex take on life
something abused and taken lightly can be taken with a single knife
We cry, no man can live without emotion
One day we crack and end with a flo of emotional explotion
My lifes a gold token I charish it with my heart
there wasnt really a choice I was given it from the start
I now know my meaning but only to watch my life fall apart
ok, I did a few line by line explanations of your grammer and spelling errors.. all in all you seem to have a grasp on how to covey feeling, you just need to tighten your use of adjectives, broaden your vocabulary a little bit (though it's refreshing to see something that lacks an over-eager complexity, which I see all too often in this forum) but you can improve, I can tell.
not too bad, but not great. semi-beginner stuff. pz
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lmfao i knew i made the grammar mistakes i jus thought nobody would notice, guess i was wrong , thnx for the feed
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I like the title, Wich compelled me to read it, I Kinda thought it would be a little played, but it wasent, I really felt the flow of this, structure wasent bad and dull, wich is a big thing to me, There was a couple of lines i diddent like, Really enjoyed readin this
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I liked this, I also saw the grammar mishaps although they didn't really matter to me. Except for that "countious" one I really don't know if its supposed to be "countinues" or "conscience" but it really wasn't a biggy. All in all the vocabulary wasn't to complex. The overall concept of it wasn't really original so obviously this coudla been better. But I liked reading this, it kept me into it line to line. Overall 8/10.
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it was alright.. you actually made it seem that it wasnt forced, but you might want to force up on the structure, it would definatly make the flow 2309482098x better. You had a decent storyline, that might be used too frequently. Try to find something original, and make up a few concepts, metaphors, and some other poetic shit, and you'll pull of a great piece. It seems like you havent been around the block topically, but that will change with time. Keep writing, and keep elevating. If you can, check out my new piece, it was kinda forced, you might like it.
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iight , thnx for the feed, i used to do topicals and this was my first in a while so im tryin to get back into it
ill check out ur OM
uppin for more feed
