-
Heaven or Hell?
Yo peep this and give me some feedback....
I shudder to the great Father and wonder if he'll let me pass
If i cant make it through, then Satan, smash the lookin glass!
He can't keep me out forever, you see nothing at all lasts
So i'll defy the "great teacher", then return with a "hall pass"
Lash out, and dash past Saint Peter to the golden gate
Peter says he'll be right down, to hold on and told me, "Wait"
This floor's empty, no one's here, is it a good thing he's coming?
But Peter shakes his head, he knew, as if my mind was flooding
My time is due... its excruciating,
To sit and be waiting
For Judgement Day is today, and it's the day to be paying
I hear the hollow footsteps of a lord so great, hopefully humble
My knees started to give away, as if truly about to stumble
Then I saw a figure surrounded by light---radiant and glorious
"Where will i be headed?" he said, " Wait there's more of us"
There stood Jesus, and what? my priest from 3rd grade?
Should i pray or parade around, pretending i'm not afraid?
"You stand here at the gates of heaven wishing to get by,
But I", "And I", "And I think it's not the right time"
They say that God has a plan for us, and in time we will prevail
He put me on the yellow brick road, so how'd i end up in hell?
-
Pretty good. I like the line about the teacher and hall pass that was good and I thoughht you ended strongly as well. You might want to try and make it a bit more intricate adding more rhyimg words or trying to rhyme phrases instead of just single words. You stayed on point and it flowed pretty well too. I dont know if you meant to use "Peter" as a refrence to "St. Peter" founder of the catholic church but if you did thats a smart move and shows intelligence in your rhyme.
UD
-
yea thanx son, yo i did mean St. Peter
-
nobody wanna give a nigga feedback i see how this shit is bitches
-
This has been done alot hommie
It sound like the one I did a long time ago
U mad it to short use mor vocab and fix ur structure and ur flow and use more wordplay
Overall 5/10