Black Out

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c1...hughes2/ts.jpg

Black Out

Minds Blank, and nobody around him sees his condition
Blind can't see while nobody wants to be in this position
Muscles numb, eyes blacked out which cant really hide
All he is aware of is seeing black deep on the inside
While on the outside other familys screaming and crying
He Hears it all but he cant move feels like he is flying
Immovable and blind but only hear he listens and waits
That dark blackened night will determine his devilish fate

Something took over him
didn't know what he did
then...

Eyes whitened and he came out of the dark
Laying naked, somewhere in the local park
Fires set there and bodys lay still over there
He remembered that death is all he can hear
The devil possesed him and struck mass fear
From his cold face came down a warm red tear
He looked up and found that hell has come up
Devil took over now his soul is forever corrupt

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-356608.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...st-356517.html

feed plz?

i thought this piece was cool...the imagery was your strong point here as i could see every line happening when i read it. It was a good look into the state of a person that goes through something like this as we are always on the outside looking in. Your flow was straight as well and your structure was cool...this was a little short but can see how it is enjoyable...thats my take...cheers

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-356668.html

^^^hit this up when you have time

this is pretty good...almost seems more like poetry,no real flow to it,but..deep..

overall a good read.

My aplogies as to how long its took me to rtf, but i this peice was good man.
check it out ,

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Angel Of Light

Minds Blank, and nobody around him sees his condition
Blind can't see while nobody wants to be in this position
Muscles numb, eyes blacked out which cant really hide
All he is aware of is seeing black deep on the inside
While on the outside other familys screaming and crying
He Hears it all but he cant move feels like he is flying
Immovable and blind but only hear he listens and waits
That dark blackened night will determine his devilish fate

---

Ok, ok.. i'm feelin this man. Its come some good ass imagiry, let me start off by saying. I started the first couple lines and i can picture this guy, laying there in pain.. or some just all fuck up, everythings fucked up, people are freeakin out. On top of that, you got some good. It could use some more multies.. that way it sounds a little better and goes along smoother.. but the rhyme scheme was still simple.. good stanza tho.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Angel Of Light

Something took over him
didn't know what he did
then...

Eyes whitened and he came out of the dark
Laying naked, somewhere in the local park
Fires set there and bodys lay still over there
He remembered that death is all he can hear
The devil possesed him and struck mass fear
From his cold face came down a warm red tear
He looked up and found that hell has come up
Devil took over now his soul is forever corrupt

---

I'm also feelin this a little bit too. you got great imagiry once again, i can just picture this all up in my head, i meen. the devil coming and just taking this kid over.. and now he has no control, but still regrets what he did. I meen dude, its straight. The flow is still nice and simple.. good stanza as well.

Overall - i meen, its good. i like this read, i enjoyed it.. it was nice and simple, short and sweet. you can elevate in some aspects like, re-word some of you lines more. Try to throw in some more metaphors, and multies. Itll make the flow better, and the peice overall. Still good shit though,

keep it up man.

ok thanks for the feed all now up for some more

Don't know if you're a new writer to OM, but I think you could use some HELPFUL critique. I'll try to help you out.

Quote:

---

Minds Blank, and nobody around him sees his condition
Blind can't see while nobody wants to be in this position
Muscles numb, eyes blacked out which cant really hide
All he is aware of is seeing black deep on the inside
While on the outside other familys screaming and crying
He Hears it all but he cant move feels like he is flying
Immovable and blind but only hear he listens and waits
That dark blackened night will determine his devilish fate

---

Don't get me wrong, this half was 'decent' among most average writers. But it just seemed to simple. The vocabulary was lacking a little, you can always add in some 3 or 4 syllable words that are more descriptive, it really adds to the piece. You didn't have any multies, by that I mean, inter-rhyming OR end rhyming. Try end rhyming too, like for example..

morbid hatred
born with makeshyft
storm the safe shit

those are just tiny examples, its two stressed sounds at the end of the line. That makes people want to read more in-depth. But try that next piece.

Quote:

---

Something took over him
didn't know what he did
then...

---

This little section can either make or break your whole piece. You need that little non-lyrical interrupter to hold meaning... It needs to further explain what is happening and why its so important to point it out.. On yours, it's decent.. but it could have been amplified with larger vocabulary and more discriptiveness. Work on that a bit.

Quote:

---

Eyes whitened and he came out of the dark
Laying naked, somewhere in the local park
Fires set there and bodys lay still over there
He remembered that death is all he can hear
The devil possesed him and struck mass fear
From his cold face came down a warm red tear
He looked up and found that hell has come up
Devil took over now his soul is forever corrupt

---

This actually started out a little better, but then you had the bolded line. You completely threw me off with this. It didn't make much since, it didn't rhyme with your rhymescheme, and it just confused me. lol But overall this was an ok piece, you can elevate a lot from here though. just work at it and you'll be dope.

check "evolution of evil" it's a Hence Forward Collaberation.